A Bullet to the Heart

Why my sister dislikes New York. 

Maybe not. But I feel like she would understand how suffocated I feel. How dead - end everything is.

I thought that I needed to come home for the summer because I thought New York was the place for me. I thought that just because it is and always will be my home, it’s where I would want to be forever and always. 

But now that I’m here. Not so much. I hate Providence. I hate New York. 

I think I dislike the East coast in general. Ever since I was little I wanted to move out west or onto an island and just start new. Chill all day with 70 degree weather. 

I don’t know if I can last 8 more months here. I don’t know if I can survive in the same circle of people. The mindless gossip and petty jealousy. The same bars over and over again. The same bullshit every night. 

Everyone sees how miserable I am. It’s not just in my head anymore. And it’s not me telling people I’m miserable. It’s written on my face. It shows in my body language. In how people treat me. 

It’s almost as if they know I don’t want to be here, so every day they give me another reason to just pack up and leave. 

Only a couple months ago people cried when I came home because they were so happy to see me. My “best friend” told me how hard it was for her to not have me in New York every other week or so. 

I wonder…is it still hard? Knowing that I’m slowly slipping disappearing from your life. Is it hard knowing that even though I’m physically here, there’s no trust, honesty, love or respect? 

Or is it as easy and second nature as you make it seem? Do you really no longer care? 

Did I really make it that easy for everyone to forget about me? To move on as soon as I started to fall behind? 

Either way, I have no apologies. I tried. And I may of hurt a lot of people…no. fuck that. One person didn’t get her way and so her panties got all up in a bunch and she got pissed. Fuck that. The only people hurt in that scenario was my best friend who was in love with her and was fooled into thinking she loved him too. And myself. 

So no, no apologies. 

I’m tired of games. I’m ready to find people who appreciate me for me. For the things I do for those I love. For what I sacrifice. 

You’d think my sanity was enough of a sacrifice for everyone. I don’t think anyone will be happy until I sacrifice all of my happiness. Or whats left of it. 

I’ll move. I’ll find friends. I’ll find love, a real love. A true love. 

I’ll find a home.